The series is “Living With Death” – coming to terms with our own deaths, the deaths of those we love, and other things we typically don’t like to think about (but that are important to think about anyway). This is the second sermon in the series, on losing those we love and on comforting those who have experienced a loss. I was concerned to discuss some of the psycho-emotional aspects of the grief process, alongside our theology and how it makes a difference to people of faith.

While some of this information is just “common wisdom,” some was gleaned from the web, and from books on pastoring and counseling, though it’s not all properly documented. I did get some good information from writings at the Reformed Sovereign Grace Literature Home website (what a name!), and from basic articles on Wikipedia. Strangely, I really didn’t find any sermons that were helpful as I studied…

The materials will be posted in two section – first is a handout that I gave to the congregation (it was pretty “top heavy” as my sermons usually go), and second is the basic text of the sermon.

_____________________________

2008 Lent Series – Living With Death

Part 2: Dealing With Grief

We don’t deal well with grief in general because as Westerners and as Christians, we have a “grief stigma.”

• Human nature – “I need to be strong, I shouldn’t be weak.”
• Christian understanding – “It’s not right to mourn and weep.”

1. Understanding Grief

• Everyone deals with grief… and it’s OK. Grief is an emotion as natural as breathing.
  • Ecclesiastes 3 – “A time to weep…”
  • 1 Thess. 4:13
• Grief HAS to be dealt with. If we don’t process emotions, they can make us sick.
• Everyone deals with grief differently.
• Grief is a PROCESS, a journey.
  • It is a healing process, like recovering from an injury.
• Common modes of grief:
  • Shock and Denial
  • Volatile Reactions
  • Disorganization & Despair
  • Reorganization
• Having advance notice doesn’t necessarily make the process easier or shorter… but it can if we are intentional about acknowledging our grief ahead of time.
• It’s natural to question God in times like this. In a way, this is another kind of grief – the loss of our spiritual footing. See Job’s story for a good example of this.

2. Preparing for and Dealing with Our Own Grief

• Make sure you do what needs to be done before it’s too late
• Give ourselves Time, Space, Permission to grieve
• Remember that God himself is our comfort – Psalm 147:3, Psalm 50:15
• Remember that grief is not a mental process, but an emotional one.
  • In other words, our understanding and theology may have little effect on our emotions.
• We have a Savior and God who has experienced what we have experienced – even our grief.

3. Helping Others In Grief

• Comforting others in time of grieving is not just a nice idea: it is a command. (Rom. 12:15, Jer. 8:21-22).
• When we comfort those who mourn, we are God’s agents in their healing. And we don’t just come to this task alone: our own grief can be a starting point for ministering to others – we can be “wounded healers” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).
• Usually, it’s best to just BE THERE and mourn with them
  • Note that Jesus did two very different things when he came to Lazarus’ home:
    • He spoke words of reality and truth.
    • He wept with the mourners at Lazarus’ grave.
• BE CAREFUL WITH WORDS!
  • Words in this time can be VERY hurtful, so think before you speak (look at Job’s friends).
  • Even the best words – words of faith, comfort – are meaningless if we are not compassionate
• Offer practical help with whatever is needed.
• Give them space and time and permission to grieve, and remind them to take care of themselves.
• Know that they may lash out at us or at others they love – this is normal. Don’t retaliate – be forgiving.

_______________________________

“Blessed are those who mourn” – how on earth can this be true? Anyone who has ever mourned the loss of a loved one probably knows just how “un-blessed” that can feel!

And worse, there’s a stigma on our grief – especially in our culture, and especially as Christians.

• Western and US culture says we are to be strong individuals, not showing weakness. It’s not just true for males
• Black culture and other cultures seem to have an easier time with grief – express it quickly and begin the grieving process
• Plus, as Americans, many of us are “sheltered” from death these days. Medicine and technology have advanced to a point that we don’t have to deal with death as often as we used to, or as often as other cultures do. In other places in the Third World, people are much more used to dealing with death.

I’m going to deal with this psychologically as much as pastorally. It is an issue in both realms. Pastorally, there’s all the theology of death, our understanding of heaven, and how that informs the way we look at grief and loss. But there’s a disconnect there, and we’ll talk about it. Because we can be the greatest saint in the world, and have the deepest knowledge and faith in God and salvation… and still mourn at the loss of someone we love. And because we’re often so inept at dealing with grief, we need to look at it from a psychological standpoint as well.

That’s why I gave you the handout – there are so many details, I want you to be able to process it fully. Because this sermon applies to ALL of us – every one of us will lose someone we love. Every one of us will come into contact with someone who has. Every one of us needs to understand this powerful emotion, and learn how we can deal with it so we can be most effective in God’s kingdom work.

Grief in General

• The first thing we have to remember is basic, simple. It’s so easy to hear, but so easy to forget… and even more easy to write off because we don’t quite believe it sometimes. Everyone deals with grief… and it’s OK.
  • There is this camp that says that Christians won’t ever deal with grief or anger or sadness or depression. This is bunk. When God comes into our lives, he doesn’t turn us into emotionless robots! We still FEEL – it’s part of being human (and from what we read in the scriptures, it must to some extent be a part of being God).
  • 1 Thessalonians 4:13 – a common scripture in times of mourning, acknowledges that Christians grieve… but we grieve as people with HOPE.
  • Grief is only an emotion. (Eccl. 3:1,4 – a time to weep…”)
  • As an emotion, grief is as natural a human action as breathing.
• Grief HAS to be dealt with. We can’t just deny it’s happening. Emotions – both negative and positive – are an organic part of us, and they have to be processed. If your body stopped processing the food you eat, you’ll either explode or get very sick. Our emotions are the same way – we have to process them and deal with them, or they will make us sick (figuratively and literally).
• Everyone deals with grief differently. Every one of us is uniquely made, and we’ve all developed different ways of dealing with our emotions. No two journeys of grief will be the same.
• Grief is not a destination or a pit we get stuck in. Grief is a PROCESS, a journey.
  • It’s a journey with no clear ending or beginning, but one in which we MUST KEEP MOVING (ever known someone who was stuck in their grief? Kept the room the same way, never seemed to acknowledge the person was gone?)
  • Grief is like a vacuum (cup in the water) – it has left a hole in our lives, and eventually we have to come to terms with that – to fill the hole in a bit, to let things settle down.
  • “Grief can be looked at as God’s way of healing a broken heart.” It is a process that God can use to strengthen our faith in him and our love for others.
    • If we break a bone, it takes a long time to heal. If our heart is broken, it takes a long time to heal.
• While everyone has a different journey with grief, there are some manifestations that are common to most people who are dealing with a loss. Experts used to call these “stages,” but that term generally makes us think of each stage having a clear beginning and ending. Not so – the different methods of grieving overlap and sometimes come out of their normal order. These are the common parts of grieving that psychologists have identified (I found these on Wikipedia’s “grief” entry, but there are references everywhere).
  • Shock and Denial – at first, we refuse to believe it. It is a shift in reality, a complete change in the way we are living – our minds and emotions have to shift to a new understanding of life without this person. The initial shock sometimes leaves us denying (to ourselves and others) that the person is really gone.
  • Volatile Reactions – once we finally accept the reality that the person is gone, many emotions flood us. These emotions often cause us to act out in some way – they make us unstable, like a boat that suddenly has extra passengers on board.
    • Sadness over the fact that we won’t see them again.
    • Anger that they left us or were taken from us
    • Frustration over our own reactions
    • Perhaps sorrow over things left undone or a broken relationship that was never mended.
  • Disorganization & Despair – Once these complex emotions have calmed down, we really begin dealing with the fact that this person is dead. If we think of loss as our hearts and lives being broken, this is us beginning to look for the pieces again. It’s hard – a sober look at our lives makes us realize that we will not be the same again. This often brings about sadness – even depression, hopelessness, fatigue. Often, people get stuck in this method of dealing with a loss and don’t move beyond. Some people ignore it all together and let it infest them.
  • Reorganization – at some point, we come to the realization that we cannot stay like this forever. Maybe we realize the person we’ve lost wouldn’t want us to live this way. Maybe we look around one day and begin to see how our grief has affected our families, jobs, routines, friendships. We begin to pick up the pieces and put them together again.
• Having advance notice doesn’t necessarily make the process easier or shorter… but it can if we are intentional about acknowledging our grief ahead of time
  • If we can begin to come to an acceptance of our loss before we experience it, the grieving process can begin. Often this helps us to be calmer in the actual time of loss because we have been preparing for it.
• It’s easy to question God in times like this – but we have to hold on tightly to our faith, even though it may seem useless to do so. This is only natural – no matter how developed our theology may be, I think there will always be some element of questioning in the back of our minds. “What did I do to deserve this? How could God do this to me?”
  • In a way, this is another kind of grief: grief over our loss of spiritual footing. We’ve lost hold on our understanding of God.
    • Look at Job, who held on tightly to God even when he was in deepest despair. He had moments of doubt and anger at God. But in the end, he held on.
    • Like Job, we have to allow grief to expand our understanding of God – “the Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord!”
  • When we don’t understand, we can’t just let ourselves let go.
    • Rather, we must ask, “God, help me to understand in your time, and help me have faith until then.”
    • When we do this, our hearts are open to see something new about God that we may not have experienced before.

Now we can turn these psychological understandings of death and apply them – both to ourselves in times of grief, and to how we deal with others who are grieving.

Dealing with Our Own Grief – much of this can happen in preparation if we’ll let it

• 2 Timothy 4:12 – “come before winter” – making sure we do what needs to be done before it’s too late
  • Making sure we have tied up loose ends, mended relationships, said what needs to be said (even if it’s something we’re angry about).
• Giving Ourselves Time, Space, Permission to grieve
  • We’re not good at this. We beat ourselves up because we don’t think we can afford the time and space, and we don’t give ourselves permission to have these emotions, so we feel frustrated at ourselves for feeling this way!
• Remember that God himself is our comfort – Psalm 147:3, Psalm 50:15
  • Psalm 147:1-3 – Praise the LORD! For it is good to sing praises to our God; for it is pleasant, and a song of praise is fitting. The LORD builds up Jerusalem; he gathers the outcasts of Israel. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
  • Psalm 50:14-15 – Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving, and perform your vows to the Most High, and call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me.”
• Grief is not a mental process, but an emotional one.
  • In fact, we will usually experience grief no matter what we may remember and understand. We can remember the basic tenets of our faith, can remember what the Bible says about death and dying. But that may not change our emotions of anger and loss.
    • Have you ever watched a familiar movie (or read a familiar book) – one you’ve seen/read before and know the outcome – and still felt the emotions of it? Fear, suspense, sadness, joy. Even though we know the outcome, these things are separate from the emotions we feel.
    • Look at our passage this morning from John 11. Jesus wept, even though he probably knew the outcome. He spoke the truth to Mary – “I am the resurrection and the life.” And yet he still wept.
    • How must God have felt when Jesus was crucified?
• But in these examples, we see that we have a savior and God who knows what we have faced and has experienced what we have experienced – even our grief.

Dealing with Others’ Grief

• It is a command -
  • Rom. 12:15 – Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.,
  • Jer. 8:21-22 – For the wound of the daughter of my people is my heart wounded; I mourn, and dismay has taken hold on me. Is there no balm in Gilead? Is there no physician there? Why then has the health of the daughter of my people not been restored?
• When we comfort those who mourn, we are God’s agents in their healing. And we don’t just come to this task alone: our own grief can be a starting point for ministering to others.
  • 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 – Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
  • “Wounded healer” concept
• Just BE THERE and mourn with them – the “I have to be strong” mentality is not always the best
  • See Romans 12:15 above
  • Also note that Jesus did two very different things when he came to Lazarus’ home:
    • He spoke words of reality and truth.
    • He wept with the mourners at Lazarus’ grave.
• BE CAREFUL WITH WORDS!
  • Words in this time can be VERY hurtful, so think before you speak
  • Note that Job’s friends were eventually rebuked because they had spoken falsely about God. It wasn’t that they said, “I’m going to lie to my friend.” They simply spoke out of their own understanding. But their understanding was wrong.
  • Even the best words – words of faith, comfort – are meaningless if we are not compassionate
    • Story of Violet Roper in the hospital.
• Offer help with whatever is needed.
• Give them space and time and permission to grieve.
  • We need it, and they need it to. Remind them to take care of themselves in this time, and remind others of their needs.
• They may lash out – this is normal!
  • They may say things that seem wrong or even contrary to faith – this is normal. Imagine what they’re feeling! (look at the story of Job)

Grief can be a negative experience, a neutral experience (very rarely), or a positive one. It can tear us down, or it can build up our faith.

©2012 Notes From Jon. All Rights Reserved.

“A Good Death?”

I used to hear the phrase, “It was a good death.” But I think all of us can agree there’s nosuch thing as a “good death.” Whether you’re 95 and have lived a long full life and die peacefully in your sleep, or whether you die in a car accident at age 26 – death is hard. But there are degrees of dying, dying well and not dying well.

And the difference is not to be found just in the circumstances: You can die at 26 in a car accident and still die well. No, it’s not our circumstances that make the difference. It’s our outlook and understanding of death that makes the difference. And that’s hard for us to hear, because we don’t like to talk about death. We might talk about it in abstract terms, sure. But thinking about our own death… that’s another matter.

We don’t like to think about our own death because we fear death. We fear death because it’s unknowable, uncontrollable – and if human beings are anything, we’re creatures who like to know and to be in control.

• We don’t know what it will be like to be dead – we can’t imagine life apart from… well, life.
• Don’t know what it will be like to die. Even though we might see some ideas in the tabloids by the checkout counter, the fact is that no one can really claim to know what it’s like to go all the way and come back.
• We don’t know when our death will be, so it’s hard to really plan for it.
• We have faith that there’s something (and Someone) waiting for us on the other side, but we can’t really claim to know much beyond that.

And so we treat death the same way we treat other problems we don’t understand or can’t solve. We ignore it. Even popular wisdom tells us that running away from your problems won’t solve them – just watch a Disney movie and you can learn that. But for some reason, we usually decide it’s still OK to do it in some areas of our lives.

“Teach us to number our days…”

We might ignore the fact ouf our death, but the biblical writers do not ignore it. The Psalms are full of these kinds of reminders (39:4 and 90:12 are a couple of examples). Look at Ecclesiastes – quite a depressing look at life based on the writer’s understanding of his own death. While we are used to thinking about the theological significance of it, it’s sobering to note the various times Jesus alludes to his coming death. We find detailed examples of great saints who died well – Jacob, Joseph, Moses, and David to name a few. The biblical writers could not “put off” death as we are able to – with medicines and life support. Death was a daily reality – one you could not afford to ignore.

In movies, cartoons, fables and fairy tales, you find death personified – a tall man in a black robe with a sickle, for instance… notice that it’s usually something frightening. I think that people began to do this in order to come to terms with the fact of death – to try to clarify their relationship with a cloudy and unknown thing.

And that’s really what it’s about when we come down to it: finding a proper way to relate with our inevitable enemy. We can run from death (ignore it, pretend we don’t have to worry about it), or we can run TO death (obsess over it, worry about it, consider suicide). Either way we do not have a proper relationship to death – it is master over us, and not the opposite.

Coming to Terms with Death

I’ve thought of a few things that may help as we come to terms with our own death, to come with a right relationship with it. You can probably think of more. But these are things that we, as Christians, understand about deth that can help us put things into perspective.

First, death is not a wall – it is a doorway. It’s not the end. We know this, but I don’t think we always remember it correctly. Death is not “point-B” in the point-A to point-B route. Our lives are point-E to point-F in the continuum of Alpha to Omega. Of all people, Christians should be prepared to live this way!

Second, we do not have to die alone – we’ve lived in a Christian community, and we can die in the midst of community.

I love to fly, but I’m always uncomfortable when they’re explaining the emergency procedures. I don’t like to think about a plane wreck, but it does happen. And I suppose it’s good to be prepared. But as uncomfortable as it is to think about a plane wreck, there’s something that’s even harder for me to imagine. Have you even been able to sit in an emergency exit row? I remember my first time. I thought, “this is great! Look at all this leg room!” Then the flight attendant knelt next to me and started explaining my responsibilities.

Responsibilities? Who wants to stand at the door of a burning plane and help OTHERS out? And yet airline folks know just how crucial these people can be in a crash – someone standing there, calling out, helping others across the threshold to safety. If it were up to us all to do it by ourselves, we’d probably lose twice as many people in airplane incidents. That’s the difference between dying alone and dying in community.

Third, we don’t know everything about death – there’s no one to tell us about it. But GOD DOES. And we know that the God who made life is, in some way, responsible for the fact of death as well. He’s the master of death, and he can bring us through.

Living Life to the Full

Finally, it’s helpful to know there’s some good in coming to terms with our own death. Not only does it help us die well – it helps us LIVE WELL. In fact, some might argue that we can only truly gain mastery over life itself when we choose to acknowledge its temporariness.

Pretend we found out this morning that the world’s oil problem is much bigger than we ever realized, and that we’re going to run out of gasoline and oil products by the end of the year. Think of all the different places we use oil products and how this would affect our lives. How would you live differently in light of that understanding? What kind of changes would you make to your lifestyle?

Now what would you think if I told you someone knew, but decided they were just going to pretend the problem didn’t exist. They kept driving their truck that got 5 miles to the gallon, refused to think about finding an alternative source of transportation or an alternative heating source.

Now, if we all choose to understand and live in light of our death, how might we live life differently? What kinds of things do you do now that you wouldn’t do? What kinds of things would you want to make sure were done? How about our relationship to God? Deciding to live lives of discipleship instead of putting it off until later, as we tend to do?

I’m not saying we should live the “next five minutes” theology – we’d never get anything done. We can never have our loose ends all tied up… there are just too many. This is (once again) allowing death to rule our lives. But there is a middle ground. We can live in such a way that, if we were to die right now, we could look back and say, “I may not have been completely ready, but I had the important stuff taken care of.”

What is that important stuff? It’s different for every one of us. And the fact is, we have no control over what happened yesterday, and no control over what happens tomorrow. But we DO have control over right now – this moment.

So this is the moment to think… and the moment to choose. Choose to live in the light of death. I think we’ll find that life can be all the richer if we do.

©2012 Notes From Jon. All Rights Reserved.