The series is “Living With Death” – coming to terms with our own deaths, the deaths of those we love, and other things we typically don’t like to think about (but that are important to think about anyway). This is the second sermon in the series, on losing those we love and on comforting those who have experienced a loss. I was concerned to discuss some of the psycho-emotional aspects of the grief process, alongside our theology and how it makes a difference to people of faith.

While some of this information is just “common wisdom,” some was gleaned from the web, and from books on pastoring and counseling, though it’s not all properly documented. I did get some good information from writings at the Reformed Sovereign Grace Literature Home website (what a name!), and from basic articles on Wikipedia. Strangely, I really didn’t find any sermons that were helpful as I studied…

The materials will be posted in two section – first is a handout that I gave to the congregation (it was pretty “top heavy” as my sermons usually go), and second is the basic text of the sermon.

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2008 Lent Series – Living With Death

Part 2: Dealing With Grief

We don’t deal well with grief in general because as Westerners and as Christians, we have a “grief stigma.”

• Human nature – “I need to be strong, I shouldn’t be weak.”
• Christian understanding – “It’s not right to mourn and weep.”

1. Understanding Grief

• Everyone deals with grief… and it’s OK. Grief is an emotion as natural as breathing.
  • Ecclesiastes 3 – “A time to weep…”
  • 1 Thess. 4:13
• Grief HAS to be dealt with. If we don’t process emotions, they can make us sick.
• Everyone deals with grief differently.
• Grief is a PROCESS, a journey.
  • It is a healing process, like recovering from an injury.
• Common modes of grief:
  • Shock and Denial
  • Volatile Reactions
  • Disorganization & Despair
  • Reorganization
• Having advance notice doesn’t necessarily make the process easier or shorter… but it can if we are intentional about acknowledging our grief ahead of time.
• It’s natural to question God in times like this. In a way, this is another kind of grief – the loss of our spiritual footing. See Job’s story for a good example of this.

2. Preparing for and Dealing with Our Own Grief

• Make sure you do what needs to be done before it’s too late
• Give ourselves Time, Space, Permission to grieve
• Remember that God himself is our comfort – Psalm 147:3, Psalm 50:15
• Remember that grief is not a mental process, but an emotional one.
  • In other words, our understanding and theology may have little effect on our emotions.
• We have a Savior and God who has experienced what we have experienced – even our grief.

3. Helping Others In Grief

• Comforting others in time of grieving is not just a nice idea: it is a command. (Rom. 12:15, Jer. 8:21-22).
• When we comfort those who mourn, we are God’s agents in their healing. And we don’t just come to this task alone: our own grief can be a starting point for ministering to others – we can be “wounded healers” (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).
• Usually, it’s best to just BE THERE and mourn with them
  • Note that Jesus did two very different things when he came to Lazarus’ home:
    • He spoke words of reality and truth.
    • He wept with the mourners at Lazarus’ grave.
• BE CAREFUL WITH WORDS!
  • Words in this time can be VERY hurtful, so think before you speak (look at Job’s friends).
  • Even the best words – words of faith, comfort – are meaningless if we are not compassionate
• Offer practical help with whatever is needed.
• Give them space and time and permission to grieve, and remind them to take care of themselves.
• Know that they may lash out at us or at others they love – this is normal. Don’t retaliate – be forgiving.

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“Blessed are those who mourn” – how on earth can this be true? Anyone who has ever mourned the loss of a loved one probably knows just how “un-blessed” that can feel!

And worse, there’s a stigma on our grief – especially in our culture, and especially as Christians.

• Western and US culture says we are to be strong individuals, not showing weakness. It’s not just true for males
• Black culture and other cultures seem to have an easier time with grief – express it quickly and begin the grieving process
• Plus, as Americans, many of us are “sheltered” from death these days. Medicine and technology have advanced to a point that we don’t have to deal with death as often as we used to, or as often as other cultures do. In other places in the Third World, people are much more used to dealing with death.

I’m going to deal with this psychologically as much as pastorally. It is an issue in both realms. Pastorally, there’s all the theology of death, our understanding of heaven, and how that informs the way we look at grief and loss. But there’s a disconnect there, and we’ll talk about it. Because we can be the greatest saint in the world, and have the deepest knowledge and faith in God and salvation… and still mourn at the loss of someone we love. And because we’re often so inept at dealing with grief, we need to look at it from a psychological standpoint as well.

That’s why I gave you the handout – there are so many details, I want you to be able to process it fully. Because this sermon applies to ALL of us – every one of us will lose someone we love. Every one of us will come into contact with someone who has. Every one of us needs to understand this powerful emotion, and learn how we can deal with it so we can be most effective in God’s kingdom work.

Grief in General

• The first thing we have to remember is basic, simple. It’s so easy to hear, but so easy to forget… and even more easy to write off because we don’t quite believe it sometimes. Everyone deals with grief… and it’s OK.
  • There is this camp that says that Christians won’t ever deal with grief or anger or sadness or depression. This is bunk. When God comes into our lives, he doesn’t turn us into emotionless robots! We still FEEL – it’s part of being human (and from what we read in the scriptures, it must to some extent be a part of being God).
  • 1 Thessalonians 4:13 – a common scripture in times of mourning, acknowledges that Christians grieve… but we grieve as people with HOPE.
  • Grief is only an emotion. (Eccl. 3:1,4 – a time to weep…”)
  • As an emotion, grief is as natural a human action as breathing.
• Grief HAS to be dealt with. We can’t just deny it’s happening. Emotions – both negative and positive – are an organic part of us, and they have to be processed. If your body stopped processing the food you eat, you’ll either explode or get very sick. Our emotions are the same way – we have to process them and deal with them, or they will make us sick (figuratively and literally).
• Everyone deals with grief differently. Every one of us is uniquely made, and we’ve all developed different ways of dealing with our emotions. No two journeys of grief will be the same.
• Grief is not a destination or a pit we get stuck in. Grief is a PROCESS, a journey.
  • It’s a journey with no clear ending or beginning, but one in which we MUST KEEP MOVING (ever known someone who was stuck in their grief? Kept the room the same way, never seemed to acknowledge the person was gone?)
  • Grief is like a vacuum (cup in the water) – it has left a hole in our lives, and eventually we have to come to terms with that – to fill the hole in a bit, to let things settle down.
  • “Grief can be looked at as God’s way of healing a broken heart.” It is a process that God can use to strengthen our faith in him and our love for others.
    • If we break a bone, it takes a long time to heal. If our heart is broken, it takes a long time to heal.
• While everyone has a different journey with grief, there are some manifestations that are common to most people who are dealing with a loss. Experts used to call these “stages,” but that term generally makes us think of each stage having a clear beginning and ending. Not so – the different methods of grieving overlap and sometimes come out of their normal order. These are the common parts of grieving that psychologists have identified (I found these on Wikipedia’s “grief” entry, but there are references everywhere).
  • Shock and Denial – at first, we refuse to believe it. It is a shift in reality, a complete change in the way we are living – our minds and emotions have to shift to a new understanding of life without this person. The initial shock sometimes leaves us denying (to ourselves and others) that the person is really gone.
  • Volatile Reactions – once we finally accept the reality that the person is gone, many emotions flood us. These emotions often cause us to act out in some way – they make us unstable, like a boat that suddenly has extra passengers on board.
    • Sadness over the fact that we won’t see them again.
    • Anger that they left us or were taken from us
    • Frustration over our own reactions
    • Perhaps sorrow over things left undone or a broken relationship that was never mended.
  • Disorganization & Despair – Once these complex emotions have calmed down, we really begin dealing with the fact that this person is dead. If we think of loss as our hearts and lives being broken, this is us beginning to look for the pieces again. It’s hard – a sober look at our lives makes us realize that we will not be the same again. This often brings about sadness – even depression, hopelessness, fatigue. Often, people get stuck in this method of dealing with a loss and don’t move beyond. Some people ignore it all together and let it infest them.
  • Reorganization – at some point, we come to the realization that we cannot stay like this forever. Maybe we realize the person we’ve lost wouldn’t want us to live this way. Maybe we look around one day and begin to see how our grief has affected our families, jobs, routines, friendships. We begin to pick up the pieces and put them together again.
• Having advance notice doesn’t necessarily make the process easier or shorter… but it can if we are intentional about acknowledging our grief ahead of time
  • If we can begin to come to an acceptance of our loss before we experience it, the grieving process can begin. Often this helps us to be calmer in the actual time of loss because we have been preparing for it.
• It’s easy to question God in times like this – but we have to hold on tightly to our faith, even though it may seem useless to do so. This is only natural – no matter how developed our theology may be, I think there will always be some element of questioning in the back of our minds. “What did I do to deserve this? How could God do this to me?”
  • In a way, this is another kind of grief: grief over our loss of spiritual footing. We’ve lost hold on our understanding of God.
    • Look at Job, who held on tightly to God even when he was in deepest despair. He had moments of doubt and anger at God. But in the end, he held on.
    • Like Job, we have to allow grief to expand our understanding of God – “the Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord!”
  • When we don’t understand, we can’t just let ourselves let go.
    • Rather, we must ask, “God, help me to understand in your time, and help me have faith until then.”
    • When we do this, our hearts are open to see something new about God that we may not have experienced before.

Now we can turn these psychological understandings of death and apply them – both to ourselves in times of grief, and to how we deal with others who are grieving.

Dealing with Our Own Grief – much of this can happen in preparation if we’ll let it

• 2 Timothy 4:12 – “come before winter” – making sure we do what needs to be done before it’s too late
  • Making sure we have tied up loose ends, mended relationships, said what needs to be said (even if it’s something we’re angry about).
• Giving Ourselves Time, Space, Permission to grieve
  • We’re not good at this. We beat ourselves up because we don’t think we can afford the time and space, and we don’t give ourselves permission to have these emotions, so we feel frustrated at ourselves for feeling this way!
• Remember that God himself is our comfort – Psalm 147:3, Psalm 50:15
  • Psalm 147:1-3 – Praise the LORD! For it is good to sing praises to our God; for it is pleasant, and a song of praise is fitting. The LORD builds up Jerusalem; he gathers the outcasts of Israel. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
  • Psalm 50:14-15 – Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving, and perform your vows to the Most High, and call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify me.”
• Grief is not a mental process, but an emotional one.
  • In fact, we will usually experience grief no matter what we may remember and understand. We can remember the basic tenets of our faith, can remember what the Bible says about death and dying. But that may not change our emotions of anger and loss.
    • Have you ever watched a familiar movie (or read a familiar book) – one you’ve seen/read before and know the outcome – and still felt the emotions of it? Fear, suspense, sadness, joy. Even though we know the outcome, these things are separate from the emotions we feel.
    • Look at our passage this morning from John 11. Jesus wept, even though he probably knew the outcome. He spoke the truth to Mary – “I am the resurrection and the life.” And yet he still wept.
    • How must God have felt when Jesus was crucified?
• But in these examples, we see that we have a savior and God who knows what we have faced and has experienced what we have experienced – even our grief.

Dealing with Others’ Grief

• It is a command -
  • Rom. 12:15 – Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.,
  • Jer. 8:21-22 – For the wound of the daughter of my people is my heart wounded; I mourn, and dismay has taken hold on me. Is there no balm in Gilead? Is there no physician there? Why then has the health of the daughter of my people not been restored?
• When we comfort those who mourn, we are God’s agents in their healing. And we don’t just come to this task alone: our own grief can be a starting point for ministering to others.
  • 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 – Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
  • “Wounded healer” concept
• Just BE THERE and mourn with them – the “I have to be strong” mentality is not always the best
  • See Romans 12:15 above
  • Also note that Jesus did two very different things when he came to Lazarus’ home:
    • He spoke words of reality and truth.
    • He wept with the mourners at Lazarus’ grave.
• BE CAREFUL WITH WORDS!
  • Words in this time can be VERY hurtful, so think before you speak
  • Note that Job’s friends were eventually rebuked because they had spoken falsely about God. It wasn’t that they said, “I’m going to lie to my friend.” They simply spoke out of their own understanding. But their understanding was wrong.
  • Even the best words – words of faith, comfort – are meaningless if we are not compassionate
    • Story of Violet Roper in the hospital.
• Offer help with whatever is needed.
• Give them space and time and permission to grieve.
  • We need it, and they need it to. Remind them to take care of themselves in this time, and remind others of their needs.
• They may lash out – this is normal!
  • They may say things that seem wrong or even contrary to faith – this is normal. Imagine what they’re feeling! (look at the story of Job)

Grief can be a negative experience, a neutral experience (very rarely), or a positive one. It can tear us down, or it can build up our faith.

©2010 Notes From Jon. All Rights Reserved.

Lent is on the way. It’s a season I look to with both excitement and dread. Excitement, because it is a very meaningful time of year to me. Dread, because I know that my habit is usually to give something up. I dread that because not only is it a hard thing to do, it’s something I usually end up giving in to at some point or another (I dread the guilt, in other words!).

And I must confess that I have a difficult time understanding the traditions behind Lent, as well – things like Mardi Gras and Fat/Shrove Tuesday, the idea that fasting only takes place on the weekdays, not eating meat and so on. These are things I’ve done a little research into, and I understand the basic idea and all… I just don’t think it makes the season any more meaningful to me. It’s probably a result of the tradition I grew up in, in which folks talked about things like Lent and Advent in the same hushed tones of voice that they used to talk about satanic rituals and cult gatherings.

Things have changed for me (fortunately). But while I understand Lent now and the penitence that many observe, I still confess to some ignorance of all the traditions surrounding it.

I remember in high school when some older friends of mine decided to “get saved” and join the church. At a lunch after worship on the Sunday they were baptized, they told us how they’d spent their Saturday night: They’d gone out drinking, smoking, having sex, and all kinds of other crazy things (or at least they told us they did, and judging from how I’d seen them act at other times, I didn’t find it hard to believe). Our youth leader was shocked and seemed sad. I remember simply being confused. At the time, it didn’t make sense. Now it does make sense, I’m sorry to say – too much sense.

This year, I’ve decided to “add on” instead of taking away. I’m going to get up on the weekdays and go over to the church early for prayer and devotion. I’ll do it at a time that will allow others to join me before they head to work or other tasks, and I hope some others will join me. This is something I don’t do regularly enough, I admit. I don’t know if it will be meaningful or not, but I certainly know it’ll do me more good than giving up chocolate.

But that’s me. If you’re reading this, how do YOU plan to observe Lent this year? Are you used to observing it at all? How does your church observe Lent?

©2010 Notes From Jon. All Rights Reserved.